Eight months later, she was back.
Nervous, excited, scared, anxious, and confused, she felt all those emotions run through her mind and body. The same emotions, she last felt when she started as an intern 5 years ago. The memory was still fresh. She sat on a bench in the IT park below her building and took three deep breaths. Just like Tracy would say in ‘How I Met Your Mother’.
That day, she sat on the same bench, as a project manager and a mother to a 7-month-old baby boy.
A few minutes later, she entered the cafeteria to get a small glass of filter kaapi.
“Chinni! You’re back!”, Ramesh Anna yelled in excitement.
“Yes Anna, How are you doing?”, she smiled back. She too was excited to see him.
Ramesh Anna ran a cafe in the IT park for many years and was a very friendly and kind soul. All loved him. Everyone would say to him that his Kaapi would turn a bad day into a good one.
“Tumbā chennāgide! You tell? How’s paapu”, he asked.
“Chennāgide! It’s a boy. Here… his photo”, she showed him her son’s photo. “Aha!! Super cute!”, he exclaimed.
“Kaapi bēkā?”, he asked. “Yesss”, she exclaimed.
She took the small glass of Kaapi and went back to the bench. She looked at the people around her for a while and then she looked at her glass. Soon, she got lost in her thoughts.
After a while, a sudden rush of thoughts ran rapidly through her mind. She thought about her son and what he must be doing. She thought about what changes must have happened at work while she was gone. She started doubting whether she could do justice to her work. It had been a while since she got a straight night’s sleep. She thought about the new team members and colleagues; whether they’d be supportive or competitive. She thought about her boss and KRAs for this year. She thought about her duties as a mother, as a wife, and as a daughter-in-law. She wondered whether she’d be able to give enough time to her son.
She began worrying about how she would manage her work-life balance. She wondered whether she’d ever get back in shape. She wondered whether she’d be able to party and go on team outings like before. This thought made her feel guilty. But then she thought, having a kid shouldn’t put a pause on her life. She got worried. She wondered how would she ever manage all of the above.
Her hands started to tremble and she began to sweat. Her heart began to palpitate. She found it hard to breathe. Soon, tears started rolling down her eyes. She couldn’t help but think about what would her son perceive about her mother. What would happen if she is not able to manage? The anxiety got the better of her. She felt a sense of defeat and failure.
“Chinni, Ēnāyitu?”, she felt Ramesh Anna’s hand on her shoulders. He offered her a glass of hot filter coffee, “Bisi Kaapi…Togouli”.
She took a sip of the coffee. The warmth of the coffee calmed down some of those nerves. She smiled back and thanked him.
“Don’t worry chinni, I know it is difficult. But know this, nature has its way of working. Young mothers have a hidden strength in them. You’ll see”, he consoled her.
“Thank you, Anna. But… how do I manage everything? It’s very overwhelming”, she said.
“You can’t. Girls these days are so ambitious. I admire that. But do you really need to do everything yourself?” he asked her. She nodded her head saying no.
“Then let it go. Stop chasing perfection and take help”, he said.
She lightly nodded her head, while staring at the glass. She had calmed down by then.
“Now go… You don’t want to be late on your first day”, he smiled and wished her all the best. She thanked him for the hot coffee.
After he left, she thought about Anna’s words. It took a few minutes to gather herself. She was still nervous but knew it was time to get down to real business.
She finished her Kaapi, took another round of three deep breaths, and started her journey towards a new chapter in her life.
Glossary
The story is set in the backdrop of Bangalore where Kannada is spoken predominantly.
Filter Kaapi — Filter Coffee, a coffee drink made by mixing hot milk and sugar with the infusion obtained by percolation brewing of finely ground coffee powder with chicory in a traditional Indian filter.
Paapu — baby/doll
Bisi Kaapi…Togouli — Hot coffee, have it
Chinni — Nickname for a girl who’s like a daughter.
Chennāgide — Good
Tumbā chennāgide — Very good
Ēnāyitu — What happened?
Kaapi bēkā — Do you want coffee?